Stupid Ladybug

So I get up this morning, and do my normal thing, which consists of honoring the caffeine and nicotine gods, grabbing a blanket, and curling up in my desk chair for a morning of Interweb browsing boredom-enjoyment.  At some point early on, I feel this tickling sensation on my leg, but I don't think much of it.  I figure its the blanket hem, and besides, I was on the hunt for sci fi smilies.

Time continues to pass, I have cornered and bagged my prey and I start the hunt around for other things on the Interweb, like Dune quotations.

I then get this eerie feeling.  That something is staring at me.  That something evil and vile is creeping ever closer to me.  I look, and THERE .... THERE IT IS!

Fricking spider, HUGE.  Fricking Arnold Schwarzenegger type Huge.  ON MY ARM right below my shoulder.  STARING AT ME.  And crawling closer to my FACE.

I scream. And by the way, I'll never win a Scream Queen award ... it was, in retrospect, more like a swallowed guttural yelp ... and I sling the spider off my arm, leap up, and start doing the OMG-Frantic-Icky-EW Dance.  My first instinct is to flee to the strong and protective boyfriend ... sorry ladies, I may be strong-willed but I am oh so un-feminist when it comes to things like this.  He, however, is at work, and I am at home, so I do the next best thing and text him.  Unfortunately, I am not so clear in my wants, needs, and requirements.  My primeval brain said "COME HOME AND SLAY THE SPIDER!"  my logical brain fought mightily and said "Uh, he's at work, bish ... chill out".  And classic TV-style misunderstandings ensue ...

Me:  Busy?
Him: Why?
Me: OMG WHY ASK ME WHY OMG (insert more unintelligible psycho-girl bs here)
Him:  uhm ...

At the time, prolly not fun for either of us, but in retrospect, fairly amusing in a classic TV sitcom kind of way.  I love you sweetie!

I finally get out that there's a spider needing slaying, and we decide the next step is to clean out underneath my desk.

Now, me being a computer geek sort of person, there is MUCH underneath my desk needing cleaning .... various computer parts, scanners, keyboards and whatnot that get tossed aside whilst changing old ones out for new.  I take a deep breath and change my clothing.  I was still in my sleeping attire, and I decided that is NOT what I need to wear when attempting to confront the Vile Uber Evil Spider in its lair.  WHICH, by the way, was certainly lurking there ... plotting my destruction.

So at any rate, I change into jeans and hoodie, and make sure I'm wearing nice high socks and sturdy shoes.  I then carefully extract pieces out from underneath my desk and beside the wall.  Even found an old laptop I'd forgotten about ... which, by the way, needs repair.  All the while, my breath held in fear, adrenalin pumping through my veins, at each moment CERTAIN the Vile Evil Uber Nasty Spider of Hateful Destruction was going to leap out and Eat My Face.  There were several false alarms when dustbunnies, disturbed by the cleaning, wafted out, and I'm certain if I'd been filmed, my reactions would prolly have made a hit on Youtube.

And then.  There it was.  THERE IT WAS!  I saw it.  Crawling toward me!  This time, however, I was ready.  I grabbed a nearby Gothy Stompy Boot of mine and planted it square on its hideous form.  And then panic ensues.  We have a carpeted floor.  It's soft.  What if its not dead?  I couldn't get close enough to it with my hand ... even with it covered by the boot ... to squish firmly down.  So I stomped hard on the boot.  Stomped hard and long.  And did the DIEDIEDIE MUTHERFUCKER DIEDIEDIE Dance.  Rivetheads would have been proud of me.

Then I kicked the boot to the side.  And the corpse is there.  Stupid spider.  HAH.  I showed IT.

And then ... as I start texting my sweetie again, crowing my triumph over the Evil Vile Uber Spider of Destruction and Nastiness, I see a shadow pass over my keyboard and a soft "tink".  At which point I determined that the Evil Vile Spider of Nasty Destruction and Hatefulness has resurrected itself like the freaking Terminator, crawled up the wall, and has proceeded to dive bomb my head.  Adrenalin kicks in again, and whilst I'm fighting the sudden urge to throw up and scream-yelp, I glance up ....

... and its a ladybug, attracted to the light above me ... and flying around the light.

Stupid Ladybug.