So I get up this morning, and do my normal thing,
which consists of honoring the caffeine and nicotine gods, grabbing a
blanket, and curling up in my desk chair for a morning of Interweb
browsing boredom-enjoyment. At some point early on, I feel this
tickling sensation on my leg, but I don't think much of it. I figure
its the blanket hem, and besides, I was on the hunt for sci fi
Time continues to pass, I have cornered and bagged my prey
and I start the hunt around for other things on the Interweb, like Dune
I then get this eerie feeling. That something is
staring at me. That something evil and vile is creeping ever closer
to me. I look, and THERE .... THERE IT IS!
HUGE. Fricking Arnold Schwarzenegger type Huge. ON MY ARM
right below my shoulder. STARING AT ME. And crawling closer to
I scream. And by the way, I'll never win a Scream Queen
award ... it was, in retrospect, more like a swallowed guttural yelp ...
and I sling the spider off my arm, leap up, and start doing the
OMG-Frantic-Icky-EW Dance. My first instinct is to flee to the
strong and protective boyfriend ... sorry ladies, I may be strong-willed
but I am oh so un-feminist when it comes to things like this. He,
however, is at work, and I am at home, so I do the next best thing and
text him. Unfortunately, I am not so clear in my wants, needs, and
requirements. My primeval brain said "COME HOME AND SLAY THE
SPIDER!" my logical brain fought mightily and said "Uh, he's at
work, bish ... chill out". And classic TV-style misunderstandings
Me: OMG WHY ASK ME WHY
OMG (insert more unintelligible psycho-girl bs here)
At the time, prolly not fun for either of us, but in
retrospect, fairly amusing in a classic TV sitcom kind of way. I
love you sweetie!
I finally get out that there's a spider needing slaying,
and we decide the next step is to clean out underneath my
Now, me being a computer geek sort of person, there is MUCH
underneath my desk needing cleaning .... various computer parts, scanners,
keyboards and whatnot that get tossed aside whilst changing old ones out
for new. I take a deep breath and change my clothing. I was
still in my sleeping attire, and I decided that is NOT what I need to wear
when attempting to confront the Vile Uber Evil Spider in its lair.
WHICH, by the way, was certainly lurking there ... plotting my
So at any rate, I change into jeans and hoodie, and
make sure I'm wearing nice high socks and sturdy shoes. I then
carefully extract pieces out from underneath my desk and beside the
wall. Even found an old laptop I'd forgotten about ... which, by the
way, needs repair. All the while, my breath held in fear, adrenalin
pumping through my veins, at each moment CERTAIN the Vile Evil Uber Nasty
Spider of Hateful Destruction was going to leap out and Eat My Face.
There were several false alarms when dustbunnies, disturbed by the
cleaning, wafted out, and I'm certain if I'd been filmed, my reactions
would prolly have made a hit on Youtube.
And then. There it
was. THERE IT WAS! I saw it. Crawling toward me!
This time, however, I was ready. I grabbed a nearby Gothy Stompy
Boot of mine and planted it square on its hideous form. And then
panic ensues. We have a carpeted floor. It's soft. What
if its not dead? I couldn't get close enough to it with my hand ...
even with it covered by the boot ... to squish firmly down. So I
stomped hard on the boot. Stomped hard and long. And did the
DIEDIEDIE MUTHERFUCKER DIEDIEDIE Dance. Rivetheads would have been
proud of me.
Then I kicked the boot to the side. And the
corpse is there. Stupid spider. HAH. I showed
And then ... as I start texting my sweetie again, crowing my
triumph over the Evil Vile Uber Spider of Destruction and Nastiness, I see
a shadow pass over my keyboard and a soft "tink". At which point I
determined that the Evil Vile Spider of Nasty Destruction and Hatefulness
has resurrected itself like the freaking Terminator, crawled up the wall,
and has proceeded to dive bomb my head. Adrenalin kicks in again,
and whilst I'm fighting the sudden urge to throw up and scream-yelp, I
glance up ....
... and its a ladybug, attracted to the light above
me ... and flying around the light.